Atrapos.eu

the Dr. has arrived…though ”the journey” continues

atrapos — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 19:00:45 +0000

Today i had a successful viva exam! It lasted 2 full hours and it all went very well, the examiners were well satisfied by my defense. I experienced it as a stimulating, fair and enjoyable experience…i feel short for more words at this stage. I am wondering what is the ”life” of this blog from now on…the PhD is awarded, yet the journey I embarked on continues…as is life, THANK YOU…time for rest.

the day before…

atrapos — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 10:38:36 +0000

ok…tomorrow is the big day! I am feeling restless in the anticipation of the PhD examination, in positive mood, although some normal nerves are on the way too. Until recently, the metaphor i had about going for the viva was that of going to give birth to my ‘baby dissertation’…but, the reality is that i have given birth to it, when i submitted, the thesis is already delivered (a baby cannot go back to the womb, once it is out, at its own natural time!)…now, the viva ritual feels as if am going to my ‘wedding’, that is the new metaphor…and how postmodern that is! Traditionally, people got married first and then had babies…nowadays, a couple may have a baby first and then get married…i have done none of those in real life but it feels like it is all happening in this PhD process…and as i complete, my wish is that the marriage and motherhood will happen in real life too…and i see, that i had to do the ‘processes’ internally first! It is all about ‘individuation’ (Jungian term, or the process of becoming a person, as Rogers would say) as my supervisor said yesterday. I am meditating on the ritual and am ready for it…i trust that the examiners will be ‘fair’ - this is my work and tomorrow is just the beginning of giving it out, to the world, for those who can be helped or inspired…OK!

It is getting real…

atrapos — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 20:04:26 +0000

The viva date is set and is approaching…i have been reading my thesis so that i am ‘in touch’ with it and taking some notes. I am feeling calm and rather stoic about it, i am aware that there will be an expected ammount of nervousness the couple of days before and on the day and am accepting about it…however, i would say that i am feeling confident – whatever will be, will be as the song says – and i have the sense that things will go well, meaning fair. I met with my supervisor yesterday and he is quite confident about my ability to deal well with ‘defending’ my work, we were laughing at some point about the fact that i seem calm about it, i said: “I wonder whether i shall be more stressed” . I feel that i have given to this PhD all i had to give, the process unfolded with me being deeply in touch with myself and i think that i offered the best i could, at least based on what i understood at a ‘conscious’ level. I am anticipating that the ‘ritual’ of the viva will be something that i can even enjoy…so, am keeping positive

…delivered…

atrapos — Sun, 23 May 2010 12:42:45 +0000

It is a unique day today…after a couple of months that have been full with hectic work, physical illness and processes that i cannot voice in this blog, i have finally managed to ‘deliver’ this ‘baby thesis’…after a ‘pregnancy’ that lasted 4 years! I printed the first final copy today, in the next couple of days i have to print another 2 copies of 314 pages each, do the binding, attend an appointment for electronic submission and then do the final ‘hard copy’ submission at University…it all feels a bit unreal and strange…i feel a sense of relief as well as bit of fear about what lies ahead, not necessarily academically speaking, but more around my life, especially the shifts of identity that occured due to the phd process…let’s see what happens…viva will be around mid-july…the journey continues

first thesis draft to supervisors

atrapos — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 14:10:00 +0000

My target has been to complete, print and bind a first full draft of the phd thesis, to give to both supervisors by 1st of March and i did make it today! I have been feeling emotional about it, for many reasons that are linked to the connections between the phd and my personal life but my aim was to complete the task of having a full draft at this stage. I am aware that there is still work to be done but i have to let it go for now and take a breath and rest, till i meet with my supervisors in about 3 weeks time and we discuss their feedback and steps forward…i need some sleep and yet ‘life still happens’ and so many issues that have been on hold due to the phd process are screaming out for my attention…so, taking deep breath and keep going while taking time to stay still and reflect…

supervision with W. (heuristic ‘tuning in’)

atrapos — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 18:40:45 +0000

As i put together the final draft of my thesis, i can have a clearer vision of the research as a whole. And, in doing so, the inconsistencies or new insights come to the fore, in relation to the heuristic process. I feel unwilling to put the details of my insights in public sight as i am still processing them and reserving them for the ‘baby thesis’ that is preparing to be born…therefore, my silence continues in that virtual space, i am just reporting that i am allowing the heuristic tunings in to take place in a natural way, like the mother or midwife who gets prepared for the delivery…i have to keep breathing naturally, so that i can ‘push’ when the time comes…breath in…breath out…and allowing the final parts take form into a whole that will decide when ready to come to the world

supervision: towards first draft

atrapos — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 13:34:09 +0000

I have been working towards producing the first draft of the whole of my PhD thesis for a while now…i am now writing the final chapter, not easy at all as it includes the various implications of my research, in ‘bolder’ terms – it requires that i am quite specific in my writing style at this section. It is the ‘mature’ phase of the ongoing and time-consuming meaning making process. I then need to put it all together and start serious editing (!). I saw my supervisor today and we set specific goals according specific time deadlines that i shall aim for – i shall remain focus and look after my well-being too, given that my paid-work commitments take a lot of time too. He seemed quite pleased with my progress but we cannot predict much yet, till both supervisors have a whole draft of my thesis to read thoroughly and set a meeting for feedback. I am struggling with holding the tension between staying with the demands of the ‘here-and-now’ of the process and all the hard work that there is still to do and visualing the ending point of completion: i feel anxious, excited, motivated, scared and impatient – all feelings together!

Happy New Year!

atrapos — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 20:33:03 +0000

Well…long time again since i have posted a note in the blog…life has taken over and in terms of writing, the attention is on producing the Phd Thesis…this new year’s resolution: i dedicate myself in completing the Phd by this summer 2010…and then work on the new phase of my life, with new energy and new wave of creativity, where work-life balance is a priority…am looking forward to completion and having free-er time available!

supervision with W. (on literature)

atrapos — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 15:53:38 +0000

I have managed to complete another chapter of my thesis (literature) within the deadline set between myself and my supervisor. I just came back from supervision, where we discussed the draft of my chapter. I was pleased to hear his view about the quality of my writing; we went through the chapter together and discussed some critical points about the choices i have made. He has some useful suggestions that would improve this chapter, such as do some cleared signposting of the subheadings and include a summary at the end.

I have now completed drafts of all chapters of the thesis, apart from the Introduction and the Conclusion. The next target is to attempt to write those 2 chapters by around end of February time, in which case i will have a full draft of the thesis. The plan after that will be that both my supervisors read the full draft and suggest what is required so that the thesis comes together. If all goes well, i will be able to submit in late spring or early summer. The submission date is still unpredictable, until we have a full draft of the thesis. I am feeling very tired at the moment and i also have the commitments of my P/T teaching job but i am making all effort required to keep focused, healthy and complete the tasks. I also hold a lot of questions and uncertainty around my future, post phd…but it is best to focus on the here-and-now as it is quite demanding! This is my helpful mantra for now: STAY IN THE HERE-AND-NOW!

Peer debrieferes

atrapos — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:49:28 +0000

I just want to make a not on how useful it is to have certain peers available to read sections on the thesis and offer feedback. In Creswell (2007) peer review or debriefing is presented as a strategy for validation of one’s research. In Lincoln and Cuba (1985) the role of the peer debriefer is seen as ‘devil’s advocate’ in an attempt to keep the researcher honest and ask the challenging questions that would “provide the researcher with the opportunity for catharsis by sympathetically listening to the researcher’s feelings” (Creswell, 2007: 208). I am thankful to the peers that read my writins and offer such a creative, validation-checking process and further opportunities for sharpening my reflexivity.

Creswell, J.W. (2007 -2nd) Qualitative Inquiry & Research Design: Choosing Among Five Approaches. London: Sage.

Lincoln, Y.S. & Guba, E.G. (1985) Naturalistic Inquiry. Beverly Hills, CA: Sage.

Drafting Discussion chapter

atrapos — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:23:16 +0000

It has been a while that i havent written in this blog. I am so absorbed into thesis writing during those last months of the PhD that anything else that involves producing text has been left behind…a have managed to produce a lengthy draft of the Discussion Chapter which is the ‘juice’ of the research, it has not been easy journey but am glad that i have done it. I am aware that many changes will take place, a lot of editing etc. I am lucky to have some people offering to read bits of my writing and offer feedback. Some even get so stimulated by my subject that ask to meet me and discuss their ideas etc. A university lecturer in counselling at a University in a city near by even asked my permission to use my writings (when complete) for training and supervision purposes. These are really nice reactions from those colleagues, they make me feel that my work is making a contribution and am full of ideas of what i want to do with it all when Phd gets complete…but, have to get it done first!! so…am now starting a new chapter tomorrow…it may be a while till i post something in this space…but, it will all gradually come together

“Blogging as a research tool” seminar next week!

atrapos — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 22:27:42 +0000

I am very excited about being invited to run a session for the Kenyan visiting students and the taught doctorate counselling students that wish to join is next Wednesday here at Manchester University! I will bring my blog to an audience and offer my insights so far about how a blog like this can be used for the purposes of qualitative research. I was thinking that this ‘virtual space’ can actually be more useful for those who are doing distance learning or those who reseive supervsion from afar, amongst other reasons. I will be interested to hear the reactions/feedback from the African students in particular, as related to their context back in Kenya:

Would such a medium be appealing to them?
Would it be compatible with their culture-specific values towards learning or conducting research studies?
Is internet a medium they use widely for their training programmes and what sort of communication is mostly adopted in a more ‘collectivist’ context?

These are some of my few questions and am looking forward to meeting the group. As for my preparation for the session, i have downloaded and printed off a few very interesting papers about the use of blogs in research and in HE. I have been rehearsing my input in my head and all seems very interesting to me, i take time to reflect on my own use of this blog too, as triggered of this invitation to work with this group.

‘Iteration’ in qualitative research

atrapos — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 18:03:54 +0000

I have been struggling in my writing with the idea that a PhD chapter cannot get to a stage of completion or coherence in order to move to a next one, i seem to start and stop several writings at the same time, having to return to them numerous times too and getting frustrated with the feeling of costant ‘incomplteteness’ that fills me with anxiety…that state of ‘flux’ and ‘limbo’ is of course a central theme in the whole phenomenon i am exploring and in the research process.

I went to see my supervisor, seeking his guidance for me to move away from that kind of ‘trap’. And here he came talking to me about this being a natural process that is best to accept and embrace than resist, something that he describes with a new english word for me: ITERATION. This is apparently a concept used in Maths and Computer Programming to describe “the act of repeating a process usually with the aim of approaching a desired goal or target or result”. So, i was advised that, at this stage of my attempt to draft a whole of a PhD Thesis, i need to have the patience and useful attitude to be ‘repeating’ parts of the process or move around several parts and constantly add the changes that emerge through the process of writing, till reaching a point that the thesis will ‘hand together’ as a good enough whole. That has been happening anyway in all my projects of academic writing so far…but, i am now taking a new, grounded stance of acceptance and embrace for it…encouraging myself for all these ‘re-visits’ upon my text…till i complete…and, as it is usually true for the therapy process: “a client is ready to complete therapy when he/she realised that it can actually go on for ever”…so, there is the broader issue here about creativity and finding one’s way to express it, knowing that there are several attempts till producing something that sits comfortable…and, although that can be on-going, there is also a point that the writing will have to stop, and that will be ok, at least for the purposes of a PhD

Group Supervision (’speaking my voice’ video)

atrapos — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 20:49:50 +0000

Toway we had the first group supervision session for the new academic year…i really feel restless now with the PhD, i want to complete and move to the next phase of my life. At the same time, i know i will miss the group here and also, there are many decisions to be made BUT…i need to take things step by step and thesis writing shall be my priority. When it was time for my ’share’ today in the group, i showed them a short video i have prepared of myself speaking in front of a camera when interviewed for some project about two years ago, i call this video: “Speaking my Voice: Snapshots of my cross-cultural experience”. I discussed with my supervisor and the group about seeing this as a way of demonstrating the auto-ethnographic flavour of my research and they thought that it was very good idea, they enjoyed watching it (about 7.5 mins long) and in there, i reflect on some of the themes in the Thesis, it shows also my reflexivity. I also discussed my bit of concerns around ’self-exposure’ but in any case, there is a lot of ‘me’ in the thesis and my audience is not large anyway, i am now writing having the examiners in mind as my audience and reflecting on that. Will leave it there for now…so much writing still ahead but am kind of seeing the ‘end of the tunnel’, will get there!

busy,busy,busy…but seeing more clearly ahead!

atrapos — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:00:43 +0000

am very busy with so many things these days and time flies so quikly! PhD writing is still hard but am making some progress, the more i go into it the more i discover. A shift that has happened now that i am writing the Discussion chapter, which feels like the hardest so far, is that i start identifying and seeing more clearly the useful practical implications emerging from my research, aside making a great contribution to knowledge/Literature on a topic where literature is actually limited or too fragmented….so, over last weekend and during this week, i have been contemplating on the different ways i can generate work for me, after the PhD, and offer a lot of what comes out in my research and personal experience in the form or workshops, training material, writing papers and so on…that filled me with feelings of both excitement and fear, like it usually happens when one finds his/her niche or calling of what he/she can contribute to, out there, where there is a need….the important thing is to stay grounded with what i have to complete in the present, whilst taking steps (maybe i can dedicate one day a week in planning and organising material for my future career possibilities, once i complete the PhD) towards what i want to build upon, as a basis for the future step…part of me is in the present, part in the future, i need to keep a balance and use my energy resources wisely. I am aware that i feel physically, emotionally and intelectually tired so, looking after myself is crucial at this stage.

further ‘transitions’…

atrapos — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 21:17:39 +0000

As stated previously, i rarely write in this blog now as i am so absorbed in thesis-writing…but i see this space as a virtual anchor for the research process and myself as writer/researcher so i enjoy sending a post, as and when…i am struggling with various waves of procrastination but am also feeling increasingly restless about completing this PhD, which is such good sign, it has to be done! I feel physically, emotionaly and intellectually tired by the process although i have load of moments of excitement when i realise the significance of my research, as i write, even if writinf feels painful…i really want to complete this research in terms of academic requirements and pass my viva and then, be free to write and work at my own pace, going with the flow and mood of my creativity. I feel i am in a new transitional pahse, although there is still a lot of writing to do in the next few months…it is the transition towards completion, parallel to all other things that take place in my personal and work life that make the whole thing slower…but…i need a balance…and although it is only just after 10 on a Saturday night, am going to sleep…my mind needs rest..zzzzz

Group supervision, 20.7.2009

atrapos — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 21:24:22 +0000

we had our mid-summer, monthly group supervision yesterday and it was once again a very engaging morning. I am thinking to inlcude a 7.5 minutes video in my thesis, where i have collated some recordings from my participation in a project by UKCISA and in which i voice some of my experiences as a foreigner in the UK. I call it Speaking My Voice: Snapshots of my Cross-Cultural Experience – I wanted to show it to the PhD group and seek feedback but, the technology in William’s PC failed us! so, i will take my laptop with me next time to do that…Apart from that, i admit that i am generally tired and my productivity is affected by that. However, i know i just have to keep going and build the thesis little by little, trust myself and the process and believe that i will get there gradually. Today, i also saw William briefly on my own and had some discussions around some difficulties i face with Literature, due to the changing scene of counselling and psychotherapy on the professional front, due to the debate our regulation and so on. this matter is relevant to my research and if the world has not got the answers or has not reached an agreement yet, i also have to accept that i cant have such answers in my thesis, around the matter. Even that is in a state of flux, like many issue in my research topic anyway.

‘writing up’ progress (the 2 wheels of the bike)

atrapos — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 15:01:41 +0000

Writing is not easy. Having drafted my Findings, I set up to do the Discussion chapter and i soon found that i got
stuck, i have some good days and bad days, i kind of have a
blockage of words flow sometimes cause i think i need to have the juice of the research ready to be articulated…which is not easy, i need to THINK and UNDERSTAND and produce the NEW MEANINGS before i can write them…this is happening gradually. To overcome that and not waste precious time, i also started working on the Literature Review and i found that maybe doing those 2 chapters parallel may be the way forward…that way, i have some sense of progress. when i get stuck in the Discussion bit, i go into the Literature and write something there…then, something i have read there kind of helps me write something in the Discussion….it is like the two wheels of the same bike. My supervisor has been advising me to proceed by trial-and-error and find out what works for me so that is ok. also, i have sent my findinsg draft to my 2nd supervisor and expecting some feedback from her….my progress feels very slow but i am trying to stick with it and respect my natural flow, writing needs inspiration, heuristic process needs time to reveal its seeds and can’t be forced so, although the clock is ticking, i trust that i am doing the best i can. I am generally feeling tired which means i need some holiday too, even if it for a week, i will see what i can do in August, depending how my writing goes and my energy levels. I feel supported by the fact that other PhD students i talk to feel in a similar way at this stage…

Happy Birthday!

atrapos — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:49:26 +0000

This was in interesting week, i did a very interesting presentation at a Research conference with a colleague with the title: The use of metaphor, poetry and art as agents in the qualitative research process…the audience responded very warmly and there was a spell of creativity that was provoked, for all participants, including us, the presenters!

the author of this blog has her birthday today. I make many wishes that are dear to my heart for this coming year…one of them is that by this time next year, i will have finished my PhD succesfully and will be full of ideas as well as opportunities to offer its contribution wherever it is my calling…happy birthday to me and the birth of a new phase of writing towards producing a good thesis!

My letter to THE GUARDIAN (“Marbles in Exile”)

atrapos — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 09:42:06 +0000

As am writing my Discussion chapter about mobility between countries/cultures etc, there is a HOT debate again in British newspapers about the Greek Marbles of the Parthenon (Elgin vandalised them and they were shipped to London over a century ago) due to the official opening of the New Acropolis Museum in Athens this coming Sunday where there is space for them to return ‘home’. In response to those publicities, i sent a letter to the GUARDIAN yesterday, as per below:

FOR THE ‘LETTERS’ SECTION in ‘THE GUARDIAN’ (more…)